On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
