That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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