Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
