Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
