Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
