I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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