I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
