Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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