I'm so fucking centered right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
