She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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