Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
