I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
