...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
