I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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