Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
