my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
