I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Still dying that you shit outside
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
