so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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