i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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