did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
