do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
