i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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