ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Barsexuality is the new black.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
there is glitter all over my balls
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