Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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