i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
