dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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