one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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