i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
