if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
