Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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