Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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