Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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