it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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