Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
