my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
