when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
