your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
