The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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