We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
