I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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