She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
