He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
