Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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