Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?