I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
