I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
