fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
