My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
