On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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