It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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