That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
