i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
