my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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