Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
