hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
