dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
