Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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