apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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