im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
