A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
