booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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