I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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