i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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