oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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